Saturday, January 30, 2010

Dead Monkeys and Illegitimate Children

So Adrienne's showing me her iphone monkey app and explaining how she missed her stop yesterday because she was feeding her monkey. So she goes to feed the monkey and the damn thing dies. One friggin banana and it just drops dead, nice one Adrienne. This is not a good omen for her, not electronic. I mean, if you feed your fake pet to the point of death, what's going to happen to your real one?

Speaking of food, I just got back from lunch. I got a minestrone soup and a meatball parm...mmmmm. Well, honestly it was that's besides the point. When I get in there, the maitre'd...if you can really call him that, I mean it's a pooty italian talking to a man and his son as they're getting ready to leave. They're talking about their kids and such and...
M'd - "So you have two kids?"
Guy - "No, he(indicating the boy with him) and the other one are twins."
M'd - "Oh so you have 3 kids?"
Guy - "Yeah...well, that I know of at least. For all I know I've got a whole bunch running around, but as far I know I've got three, heh."
Now, I've used this "joke" many times with friends and aquaintances;
"You got any kids?"
"Not that I know of" guffaw, guffaw.
but it was a bit shocking for me to see it being used by a 45+ guy in front of his kid. I'm no psychologist or anything, but I really think this sends the wrong message, no? I mean, ok, Dad was a pimp, good for him, but talking about the slew of illegitimate children that might be running around while you're with your son just seems tacky, but that's just me.

Oh, and it's a "joke" cus chicks are scandalous and it's not unheard of...ahem...for a girl to get prego and not tell the daddy. Oh and that ahem was not for any of you upstanding women reading this, it was for you Carlos, you know who you are.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Mexicans and Drugs

So I learned a lot last night at a little Mexican restaurant over on Broadway, the most interesting concerning gypsies. Apparently, if my source is to be believed, they were the workers for the Ottoman Army when it was taking over all of Europe. Since they're more nomadic than not, they'd stick around after the army left...I feel this is the beginning of a very boring post so I'll stop there. I swear it was much more interesting last night, but maybe it was the company more than the story...idk...

So I was talking to my sister about drugs the other day and I was professing that I didn't take drugs. My argument was that I don't take any of the crap the pharmaceutical companies put out and claim will help, side effects include explosive diarrhea and spontaneous combustion of the genitals, and I don't take any of the street drugs, i.e. heroin and meth etc., but then she brought up the kicker. "What about alcohol, what about caffein? They're both drugs and I know you consume both." And that's true, I do, which makes me wonder whether we should not be generalizing these substances the way we do. Wikipedia says that weed and cocaine are both considered narcotics, but should they really be in the same group? And then OxyContin and Heroin, shouldn't they be in the same category regardless of whether one is legal or not? The real problem is that these are catch-phrase words, drugs, narcotics. They're spawn of the "War On Drugs". Quick side note, how long has the war on drugs been going on? since '69? If that's the case maybe we should rethink our "War on Terrorism", I don't want it taking the war on drugs path. But I digest...hehe family guy reference...we as a people really need to start taking a more realistic view on things like drugs because the majority of us are fooling ourselves into thinking that just because it comes with a label it's ok and because it comes in a sandwich bag it's not...

Thursday, January 14, 2010

It's an oldie but a goodie


have been accused of spousal abuse

have been arrested for fraud

have been accused of writing bad checks

have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

have done time for assault

71, repeat 71
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

have been arrested on drug-related charges

have been arrested for shoplifting

are defendants in lawsuits, and

have been arrested for drunk driving
the last year

you guess which organization this is, NFL or NBA?

up yet?

it's the 435 members of the
United States Congress

same group of Idiots that crank out
hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Tiger's a joke

I was on the subway yesterday when I saw something that had me ROLLING. I believe the chick was reading Vanity...and who's on the cover? Tiger Woods. Now what about this is funny? If you're asking this question, you must not have seen the cover. This man is standing with his shirt off with a black beanie on flexing looking like he's half way through bicep curls. I'm like, WHAAAAAT!!?? What has happened to this man? I remember when he was coming out of Stanford, I used to really like him. Not only was there the fact that the best golfer in the world is black, but he seemed like a down to earth guy who was really talented and really driven. Now here we are years later, post "I'm not black", post I cheated on my wife with a slew of chicks, and his old ass looking self is trying to do the Genuine on the Vanity magazine cover. Please! Tiger is starting to resemble A-Rod more than Nicklaus. Whoever is his PR person needs to be fired, like asap.

So the Pats are getting their asses handed to them. Well, they're kinda playing well but Tom has turned the ball over 4 times, 3 in the first quarter. Not a good way to start a playoff game. At least the D showed up today. I didn't think the Ravens had it in them but they've just been making plays left and right. Not the best way to finish off the decade but, hey, it happens. At least I'm not a Raiders or Lions fan, that must just be unendurable. Well, here's to next year.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

1/2 & 1/2 & 5 Sugars

How about we stop faking?! When you go into the bodega, say it with me now bo-dega, and order a coffee with Half and Half and 5 sugars we all know you really want to order a hot chocolate. You're not fooling anyone. It's not like I'm some coffee junkie or anything. In fact, I hardly even drink the stuff; the main reason for this is that I've had GOOD coffee before and the majority of this shit we drink in the States is pure crap. Starbucks? It's burnt ass! They over roast the beans and blend the shit-stank out of them. If you're one of the people who loves the shit...well, good for you, they say ignorance is bliss. Yes, I've been spoiled with the good stuff, but why settle anyways? Just to feed your addiction? Well, I guess I can buy that. When I was a smoker I'd smoke the shit cigarettes to feed mine, so ok. But still, back to the original guy. If you're getting Half and Half and 5 sugars it seems like you don't even like the shit. It's like you're only getting it because that's what all the other grown-ups do. I remember when I was like 12 pretending to like coffee because my parents were drinking it...but I was 12!!! Don't flodge, be you. If you want tea, get it, if you want cocoa, get it!

And Now For Something Completely Different

Playoffs!?! Playoffs?!? Yes, the playoffs start today. NFL for those of you on the dark side of mars...or in oakland. And once again, my Pats are in it again after a 1 year break. From what I'm seeing/reading no one is giving them a chance, especially after Wes went down, :'(. Could this maybe be a good thing? The last time there was this much doubt was in 2001 and we all know how that turned out. The big difference, though, is that team had multiple 1st round vets on D where as this is a bunch of rooks...we'll see. They've been downtalked all year even though they've been top 10 the whole time so we'll see if my impression is mis-guided and I'm just being a homer. I sure as shit hope not. IBWT, In Bill We Trust, right? If there's anyone that's gonna take this team deep it's him. And no one else is really that much stronger for me to definitively say we're over matched. At any rate, this should prove to be a good postseason regardless, no not irregardless damnit, of when the Pats lose their next game, this winter or fall.

And Now For Something Completely Different

A little lesson to those of you not in the know.
Irregardless is redundant and not proper usage of your vocabulary. ALL YOU NEED TO SAY IS REGARDLESS!!!!
They're = They are; i.e. They're going to the game later.
Their = possession; i.e. Their game was canceled due to lightning.
There = a place; i.e. The endzone is not here, it's there.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Chicken, Kate Nash and more Chicken

Ok, we'll start today out with a little advice. Do not, I repeat, do not go to your in house workout facility to defrost your chicken in the sauna. That is just wrong. I'm not sure what has happened to people over the last decade or two, but I'm pretty sure that in 1993 this sort of activity was frowed upon. People, if you could please act as if you have some common sense, I'd personally appreciate it. And if you need a quick way to defrost chicken, or any meat for that matter, put it in a bowl of luke-warm water. Whether it's wrapped in plastic or naked, it'll defrost it in a half hour or so.

I am really digging Kate Nash. The music is cool and her accent just does something for me. And even more, I love Pandora, it just knows what I want to hear...sigh...I love the Stones!

So, I was talking to my mom earlier, and I have to make this prediction. If the Pats win the SB this year Randy Moss is retiring, if not he will retire no matter what next season.

So yesterday I brought to work what I had believed was a plate of Ratatoille with chicken and pasta (no not the afore mentioned chicken). I was so excited, you would be too if you'd ever had some bangin ratatoille, to eat my dinner, I was thinking about it before I even got to work. So I'm taking it out of my bag to put in the fridge, and quelle surprise, it's nothing but chicken. I'm talking about a box of half-cooked redish, from the tomatoes, chicken. That's it, no side, no veggies, no nothing! Ooh, my despair was unfathomable. It was suggested I get some dollar rice from the chinese place around the corner, but that just doesn't begin to addresse my problem. It wasn't the chicken I was looking forward to. It wasn't the pasta, it was the ratatoille. I was considering it for the majority of my shift and decided to just say fuck it, take it home and grab some pizza on the way. The upside of not eating it last night, though, is that now I've got it for dinner tonight :-D. This is a happy frenchman. The only thing that'd make me happier for dinner is some red wine, some soft camembert or roquefort and a pretty smile. But hey, if you got everything you wanted in life you'd be Paris Hilton, and no one wants that.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


Talk about showing some love. My buddy Beens had his birthday party last night at this "asian fusion cuisine"/Club last night. How those two mix is beyond me, and evidently beyond the diners there last night too. Doors opened at 11pm, we didn't get there till like 11:30 ish. As we're walking in, however, there is as much of a migration out as in, just a different demographic in each line. To put it bluntly, A Bronx Tale was leaving while Harlem Nights was coming in. Apparently, by catering to a hip sushi loving crowd early on and the club hoppers late, the unsuspecting patrons are rudely ripped from their quiet, raw dinners by deep resounding booms that sound "like two midgets in the back seat rasselin." But, so anyways, it was pretty sparse at first when I was there, but not to soon after getting there, I was finding it hard to manuever my way through the crowd. Then Beens gets there, and I realize that a good %85 of people where there for him...maybe more. And that's love. I can feel it in my fingas, I can feel it in my toes...not really, but it was nice to see all those folks come out.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Starting Over Again

Ok. I tried this out before but didn't keep up with it and subsequently lost it. Come to think of it, I believe it was with this same website...damn google erasing my shit. At any rate, if you're coming here to read my blog, you must know me or be really bored. If it's the latter, I'd suggest a good book. Try The Giver. A coworker and I were discussing how much we both like it. I mentioned how most people I talk to about it have never read it. But I digest...So here we are on the cusp of a new decade and I have decided to actively try to keep up a blog. Throughout my younger life my mom tried time and time again to get me to keep a journal. She would buy me these wonderful leather-bound journals to collect my thoughts, and they'd pretty much go to waste. I might write in one for a couple weeks, but then it'd sit buried somewhere for the next few years until I pop it open to see that for some reason I was writing about how my toe-jam smelled 3 years ago (it still smells the same btw). So here is my attempt at an online journal that I will do my best to keep up to date. I'll try to have a bit of everything in here, but it's mine so it will probably more likely be a long diatribe dealing with why Tom Brady is a better QB than Peyton Manning...haha just kidding. While Tom is by far better, I'll try to refrain from subjecting you to that debate. If, by any chance, I upset/disrespect/annoy/anger/nauseate or discomfort you at all, too fucking bad, this is my blog, not yours. If you don't like what I have to say, then don't fucking read it. But leave me a comment telling me you don't like it because I want to know you don't like me, that way I can dislike you too.