Wow it's been a long fucking time. Since the last time we saw eachother I've gone on tour with my sister's band on the west coast, drank 548 gallons of alcohol, decided we are no longer saying lol, it's now plop, and miraculously BP has actually stopped spewing millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico...and America seems to have forgotten about it...well except for those millions of inhabitants around the Gulf who won't be seeing clean beaches or fresh fish for a few decades. Where are we now, 4.9 million barrels of lost oil later? Well, it came from the ground, it'll surely return there with no ill effects. Funny that when I look up British Petroleum on Google, their website offers this bit of clairvoyance: "Aug 25, 2010 ... BP is in the Gulf to stay". Um...no shit guys! After seeing how fucked that small town in Alaska is after the Exxon Valdese spill (260K-750K barrels spilled, btw), I have no doubt that BP will still be in the Gulf in a couple decades, one way or another.
And Scene! Now for something completely different!
Pocket/drunk dialing is a phenomenon that has been plaguing society since Alex Bell first gave the miraculous TELEPHONE to his soon to be ex-girlfriend. It was a great device and they used to talk every night before going to bed. Then Alex said her blouse made her look fat, she cried, they broke up. That night Alex got drunk and…voila, the drunk dial was created. Since there were only 2 phones in the world, it was hard to forget her number, and thus drunk dialing was something one could only avoid by passing out at your buddies place. As the years progressed, the numbers got longer and more complicated, but peoples’ ability to remember these numbers stayed in tact, even after 12 Jager Bombs. Today, however, with the invention of cell phones with 50,000 # memory banks, people are more likely to forget the number for 911 than remember their ex’s. For this reason, it baffles me when people drunk dial, or pocket dial I guess…, but don’t want to talk to the person who they called.
“Huh, a missed call from a number I don’t know? Let me call it!” Ring Ring!
“Hi, you’ve reached Nancy, I’m not available now, please leave a message”
‘Nancy, huh? I haven’t talked to her in ages…well, let me leave a message, she must have called because she wanted to talk to me…right? “Hey Nancy, it’s Alex, saw you called, give me a call back when you get a minute.”’
1 week later, no return call.
Dial, dial, dial…Ring Ring! “Um hey Nancy, how’s it going, this is Alex? Call me when you get a chance.”
1 week later, no return call.
‘Well shit, why’d you call me in the first place? I knew I shoulda kept her number deleted!’
See, Alex had it the right way. After he drunk dialed her a few times a month back, he deleted her number from his phone. He knew he didn’t have it memorized and would therefore never be able to dial this chick who he had no intention of talking to sober… (Translates to: this chick who didn’t want to talk to him sober). So from now on, boys and girls, if you don’t want to talk to someone and you have a problem with pocket or drunk dialing, delete their number. (This has been a public service announcement from eHarmony)