Thursday, April 14, 2011

Girls, Friends and Toilet Paper

The relationships between men and women are very funny to me. Despite being virtually identical, genetically, we are polar opposites mentally. Men don't like to talk very much, normally, but when we do, we're often willing to bear our souls, just as long as it's to someone we "trust". Women, on the other hand, talk all the time. Literally. Some of them wouldn't stop if they were being run over by a steam roller. And a part of this is their inability to keep a secret. To women, a secret is something you don't tell strangers, but of course she's gotta tell her bff (which is at least 3 different people, and they tell 3 people, and they tell 3 people, ad nauseum). I've had a lot of female friends, and it is they who have caused me to be very weary about telling any woman I'm dating my "true" feelings, or really open up. It's funny because women are often saying they want us to open up, but then, when we do, they go and tell the world.
Story 1) In college, my friends and I were friends with some girls from out of town. We hung out pretty regularly as there were no classes at the time and one of my friends developed a thing for one of the girls. He decided it'd be a good idea to write her a poem. To me, a poem is a pretty intimate and private thing. It's certainly something you don't want shared with the world. Well, seeing as how I'm writing about it, of course she showed the rest of us the poem. It wasn't good. It was something he probably should have kept to himself. But, alas, we thoroughly enjoyed his attempt at introspection at his expense. Remember, putting your heart on your sleeve, especially for a girl you just met, is just asking for it to get shut in a door.
Story 2) Once again in college, I was in a study group with a few other people for one of my classes. One of the girls and I became pretty cool and she decided to volunteer a little information about her ex-boyfriend. Apparently was not ok with her breaking up with him, so he thought it'd be a good idea to leave a few messages detailing his feelings. In the process, he is unable to control these previously mentioned feelings, and he begins to cry. He then proceeds to bawl. I mean full out, hiccup causing bawling. So of course, she thinks he's a chump and proceeds to put him on blast, on speaker phone. And then repeat it. All for our enjoyment at his expense. Remember, don't send emails, leave voicemails, or write notes that you might not want your boys or strangers to read/hear, she will share it and they will laugh...at you.
Story 3) This one is not really a specific. It's more a generality that I've noticed with a few of my friends. Let's say, for example, one of my guy friends wants to date one of my girl friends. The get to texting. The guy might think that that's some kind of hallowed ground...um, NO. You should realize that she is showing me all the texts you're sending. Especially if they're lame. "Skwal, look what this fool wrote me, can you believe it? What should I write back?" Remember, none of what you do is sacred. If they're telling me all this, you can just imagine how much they're telling their girlfriends.

And now for something completely different...

You know what the only thing worse than magma-shits is? Having to wipe with cardboard afterwards. I don't understand why they even make toilet paper like that. If it feels like it could smooth out Rosanne Barr's corns, it should not sold as TP, it should be sold next to the 400 grit at Home Depot. Does anybody actually go to the grocery store thinking, "I don't want that TP, it's too soft. I need a manly TP, something that'll remind of the old days, back when we wiped with tree bark."? I mean really, I don't even understand why they make the stuff. I don't care if it's 25c a roll, get that shit out of my bathroom. And even worse are the public restrooms that have the shit that's thinner than an anorexic ant. They might think they're getting more use out of it, but they're forgetting that when you use it you need to unroll half the roll just to make sure your hand stays clean...smh. It's just ridiculous.

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