Monday, December 2, 2013

M seeking W seeking M

From September 30, 2013
DLIH Original Post

Dating advice is like a sphincter, everyone has one but no one else wants to hear it. That being said, I’ve been asked to provide you with my own little brand of finger-farts so bear with me. I’ve dated a few women in my life - some for years, some for days, some for a couple hours - and in that time I’ve come to certain conclusions as they pertain to well know axioms. “Opposites attract, NEVER date someone that’s just like you, it’s bound to fail.” This is an old one that people seem to adhere to, despite the obvious limitations in and of itself. Hollywood friggin loves it. The Odd Couple, Along Came Polly, all the 90’s “you can’t turn the geek into the prom queen” movies, and countless others throughout time center around this premise alone. Hell, even Jesus fell for it with Mary Magdalene. In real life, Penny doesn’t even consider considering Leonard… well, that is until his research allows him to spin off from the university to create a super-powered something or other that he sells to (Insert Big Company Here) for XX millions of dollars. It’s not because Leonard is a short and non-typically-handsome-looking (read: ugly…well, Hollywood ugly), it’s because they have nothing in common. I mean, we all know ugly people date attractive people all the time, we see them at school, in the street, every morning when we wake up if you’re Blue Ivy…but if you have nothing in common with someone, how could you spend significant amounts of time with them? There’s another old proverb that tends to be used often and pretty much amounts to the diametric opposite to “Opposites Attract” and I think this is where things truly lie: Birds of a feather flock together. There have even been studies to test this theory, and (SPOILER ALERT) people of similar personalities prefer each other over people with different personalities. And this isn’t just a romantic thing, people tend to become friends with others of similar personality. I mean, logically it just makes sense. And the funny thing is, similarity in personality traits doesn’t just predict initial attractiveness, it’s also a good indicator of future happiness and marital stability. So when you’re out at the bar unsuccessfully try to hide the obsessive way you’re trying to rub the water mark in the wood into oblivion, I’d suggest you not give your number to the guy that didn’t brush his hair, has spaghetti sauce on a shirt that is misbuttoned, and just picked food out of his teeth with someone else’s used straw and instead go for the guy at the other end of the bar who’s unsuccessfully trying to hide the obsessive way he’s picking at the label that just won’t come off his beer. (for more on this, visit

“If you want to know what she’s going to look like in 20 years, just look at her mom/grandma.” This one is a funny one, but it is half true. It’s funny because we (men) try so hard to simplify things. In this case it’s a simplification that’s A) vain, B) wildly lazy and C) basic. The way this should go is by simply adding, “or dad/grandpa” to the end of it. If you paid one ounce of attention to Biology class in 9th grade (or are an adult that isn’t void of brain activity) then you’d know that, save a few dominant traits here and there, we are made up of ½ mom and ½ dad. Therefore, if you’re dating a girl whose mom is 5’5” shaped like a pear, dad is 6’1” shaped like a pencil, and is 5’11” shaped like a palm tree, chances are she won’t be “pearing out” in 20 years. I imagine this is the case for men as well, but I’ve never cared enough to think about it…so…

“The way to a man’s heart is though the kitchen and the bedroom.” This one is just true. If you aren’t sure you’ve got him in your clutches then this is a great way to solidify your position. It works on women too. Now, I’m not saying this is all it takes, but if you’ve already determined that you’re of similar personalities and you’re attracted to their parents…hold on, what?...then laying it down in the bedroom and in the kitchen is like the scotch guard for the couch that is your relationship.

Pascal is an experienced “woman dater” and has had sex with at least 4 and ½ women in his life. His life experiences have been studied by real scientists and it has been determined that he is what is known as “the average guy” so when he writes about stuff it can be assumed that it is par for the course with all other guys. He is the author of such works as: this article ; my last article; my next article; The Gettysburg Address

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